A Dirty Shame


I just watched A Dirty Shame again and, man, every time I watch it I just want to rub against something. You know, while movies aren’t always educational, this particular flick contains some valuable knowledge that touches me here… no, not there… well, yes.. right there… right there… yeah… do it, oh… awww… YES!

Oh, excuse me… I meant my heart.

John Waters certainly has a way of brainwashing me in all of the right places with this movie. As soon as it was done, I was so revved up I had to hump something…

…which reminds me… don’t watch this film unless someone is already inside me, er, um I mean you… or vice verse

That’s one thing I learned already.

Another fact I learned is that sex bores me to death. Recently my sexcapades have just been… well, blah. And I’m a pretty sexual person…

…Yes, I know I hide it well…

But lately I’m just not responding the way that I used to. And that is because I learned some fundamental truths about myself:

1) The sex can last as long as it needs to, though I prefer it be under 10 mins (I got things to do)…
2) …But, I need to have some fun first.

And what do I mean by fun? Foreplay… Lots of foreplay.. and hell let’s mix the foreplay and the sex together…

…That’s a good time…

So what kind of foreplay would satisfy me? Good question. Actually a number of things satisfy me… weird things. Strange things. And while some of them might be cruel and unusual they certainly do the trick. And I’m not doing it enough.

So, to all of my former lovers out there… sorry I hadn’t spoken up before. I guess I didn’t really know what exactly hit the nail on the head for me… and even when I thought I did, it took some more playing and masturbating for me to realize that some fetishes work better than others.


But, should we ever have sex again… just be forewarned… I am a pervert and will not hesitate to act on my perversions.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not really into BDSM anymore. Not that I totally turn my back on it – roleplay in that sense is fun. But I guess I’ve done it enough to lose its magic. Though I do enjoy wearing my corsetry… and my dog mask, well, I’m not retiring that anytime soon.

I would have to say there are at least 5 fetishes that I know can make me a complete and utter animal in bed…

…And if you want to know, then you’ll just have to ask me…

Because I’m a lady…

Okay, fine! I will clue you in…

I must admit I’m into at least 5 fetishes, all of which include the following:

-Wet messy food: Silly as it may seem, food fights turn me the fuck on! It doesn’t have to be too rehearsed, nor does it have to be too sensual. Maybe it starts by making a big bowl of chocolate pudding. I playfully sling a tablespoon your way. You return the favor. Soon, we’re wrestling on the with the creamy brown goo (not poo!) all over our bodies. Bill Cosby approves!
-Sleeping: Strange, right? Not for me! It was during a steamy phone call session did I realize that this really rocked my boat… or cradle, actually. My ideal scenario is a late night rendezvous. I’m completely passed out. I can’t hear you coming into my room, nor can I feel your prying hands loitering around my various orifices… will I wake up…?
-Stuffed animals: This fetish is rooted in my nighttime relations with a big-stuffed Winnie the Poo bear I owned when I was 7. Ever since then, when my pussy rubs up against some furry felt skin with button eyes and stitched lips, well I can’t help but cream. High School Mascots strongly encouraged to apply!
-Frottage: Also known as dry humping, the fun and playful art of rubbing one’s self against another person’s… person. One might discover this healthy activity useful (yet illegal) when on a subway during rush hour.
-Tickling: Self-Explanatory. Personally, I enjoy forced tickling scenarios. Bondage is a must; restraints should be in the form on nylon stockings or panties that I’m wearing. However, I would like to remain fully clothed at first, then, my captor can play with me as much as he likes, slowly removing my skirt/pants/thong bit by bit.

That’s all I’ll disclose for now. However, I do like my wo(men).. but it must be creative…

Very creative :)

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