Crown of Love


romulus-and-the-crown-of-thorns1

“They say it fades if you let it,
love was made to forget it.
I carved your name across my eyelids,
you pray for rain I pray for blindness.”

When I hear this, it lifts me up from the subway platform. It lifts the light in the center of my soul, my heart – this light developing from the dimness of expectation and circumstance… just an ember. Just an ember at first that I did not notice because I had never been in love. And love prays for hope, it prays for the wind to carry its fiery spark. It hopes for fire. Now I feel feverish. And I just hope you can see the orange-red now overwhelming me as I wait for the train to arrive.

“If you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is fallen from me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark is not within me.”

It’s missing now… that light. It leaves me empty and the rest of the world as big and endless as this moment right now. It leaves me breathless but not entirely upset. I carry myself well but I carry myself heavy, filled with smoky, suffocating regret. Because I did not know that love like this may burn so brightly for someone like you. And now that I do, I want you back. I need you back here with me.

“I snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.”

“The only thing that you keep changin’
is your name, my love keeps growin’
still the same, just like a cancer,
and you won’t give me a straight answer!”

In the necessary distance, the space to let the wind settle the overturned timber in my heart danced through me. In that distance, you waited. In that distance, my love grew. And silently, I watch the rest of me burn in your name. Silently, I discover the capacity within myself to care so deeply for another. I discover my confidante, my partner, my love. My voice is stifled by it. No other has lit such a passion in me quite like you. And for every tear that falls from my face, for every tear that you couldn’t bear to see, just know that it’s you who causes my heart to overflow in such a way. It’s you who my young tenderness calls out for through the timber sparkling red.

“If you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love has fallen from me.
If you still want me please forgive me
because your hands are not upon me.”

“I shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.”

My published heart , that tiny voice that booms out the pains of regret, the moments missed, the moments desired; it screams now for one more chance. It screams to paint your name on everything I see.

“The pains of love, and they keep growin’,
in my heart there’s flowers growin’
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer”.

It’s revising its body, it’s procuring the language of the love we share. And for each day that isn’t ours to conquer together, it will pour its words onto every page, secure your memory in every face of those I idly glance at and share a drink with. That published heart… you gave it a title. You gave it a story. You strengthened its song.

“If you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is not upon me
If you still want me, please forgive me,
’cause the spark is not within me.
it’s not within me, it’s not within me.”

So while you walk to your own beating drum, while you find newness in body and soul, I will continue to speak of a rapture, the boundlessness of beauty in what you leave me now. More tormented than ever and on fire all of the time. On fire all of the time because my light sits next door. Behind the walls I hear your voice and I want to be closer.

“You gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word that I can say”

I need a touch. I need your sleepy eyes and the biting of your bottom lip (you may not notice this but I do). But, I also need you happy, darlin’. I need to see your spark shine just as bright as mine, even if it means that it shines best without me. I know of distance. I know of space. I know the wind will find your light a home in me too again.

“You gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word , the only word that I can say!”

But, until then, there’s the silent screams of a heart missing its other half… of a forest on fire… and me hoping that there’s a moment when you can cradle my head in your arms… because we fit together. We’re meant to.

“Only one that I can say!”

–The Arcade Fire

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