Dying is Easy – It’s Living that Scares me to Death


scissorhands

I’ve been falling in love again with Annie Lennox. She is completely fearless. And her music touches every little bit of my soul. It’s very deep. That’s a lyric from her song, Cold. If you havent heard this woman before, despite your circumstances in life, then I believe you should take a listen. To me, she is one those influential artists who can do no wrong. She is innovative, vulnerable, obnoxious, and shameless in her attempts to capture every essence of being a woman…

I thought about being a singer today. I’ve always thought about being a singer, about being a performer in the most literal of terms. I get lost in huge fake furs and slinky sequined gowns. Transparent nylon body suits and tall glamorous heels. You’d pay a ticket to get into my subconscious one-woman show. Or you can¬† get it here for free…

I thought about my life now… right now… as I always do. I consider all my little creations, my multiple birth of concept after concept after concept…It would be a shame to indulge myself in realistic distractions, when the world I’ve made in my mind is so enriched with possibility, that I ought to encapsule that in a glass ball, place it over my bed, and make the last thing I see before I sleep and the first thing that I must look at when I wake up.

When I was a young girl, one of my favorite movies was Edward Scissorhands. I particularly loved the ending. Atop his wintry dark castle, Edward creates his fantastic ice sculptures. He brings joy to the suburbs below with the shavings of his work sprinkling down on the rooftops and cars. For them, its the only bit of snow they can get. In my secret heart of hearts, while convention pulls me in every direction, I hope to be just like him. I hope to build my own world on top of the mountains… though I could see myself somewhere that is still fruitful with residents, yet secluded and warm and safe. And there my work will flow from my fingertips… I would love to make money just to do that, just to create. I would be a surrogate mother to the dreamers and free thinkers, the curious and the broods. It would be hard work, and lonely, and fucking blissful…

…As I considered such a life, I completely blacked out and realized that during the most hectic hour at the shoppe, swarming with designers and decorators, I sat behind my computer the entire time and hardly lifted a finger. My manager had to take me aside. I was so embarrassed. I was redeemed by staying on my feet and helping when I can… but it happens.¬†Today was a strange day for me at work. I was forgot the smallest things, and I lost all desire to actually participate or respond. I felt scared and unsure. Quite honestly, I missed the days of sex work, when all I had to answer to (on some level) was me. I can’t go back to that… but I can move forward in my efforts to improve upon my situation. I’ve become a bit sloppy. I’ve hardly taken a look at my budget… guesstimating all of my expenses (though its mostly on food). I haven’t touched my writings are my art. I’m in a weird state right now… but I’ll get through it…

-9/04/07

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