Everything You Never Wanted to See


My new habit is to watch disgustingly offensive clips on the Internet. I do it at least a couple of times a month, only as much as I can stomach, until I’m afraid that these clips will follow me into my subconscious. I don’t know if that’s an issue now. I believe after my two or three month stint of reading serial killer bios and murder stories of all kinds, I have visually worked my subconscious’s nerves. Instead of dropping scenes of disillusionment and fright into my unsuspecting dreams, my crafty mind will instead induce me with bouts of paranoia, of sadness or, worst of all, the fear that these emotions will never end.

My dreams will continue swimmingly along their (ab)normal course, but inside of them I am paralyzed; I am tripping on bad acid; I cling to scraps of reality that slowly start to sink in as I wake up.

So far, the only thing I cannot stomach is beheading videos because they desperately scream CULT to me. Last month, I got stoned and watched Snuff , a doc that reveals the mythical elements of a classic snuff film and contemporary versions of that elusive black unicorn of urban legends. The documentary itself gave me the willies. All of the commentators and respectable experts that interviewed were fucking creepy. Preludes to the disturbing footage were foreboding black screens and small white text (which made me have to pay extra special attention when I didn’t want to) that would detail what the viewer was about to see. No music, just straight up silence.

They started showing some footage from a serial killer’s reign over a family and that was distasteful, to say the least. I braced my pillow when they got to the “violent kiddie porn” section. An author recited a transcript from a phone call where a client demands a producer to kill the child in front of the camera instead of off-screen. What’s most gripping is the author’s demeanor while reading it, which is pretty much on the verge of tears. But, when they got to the beheading of an American by Al Queida members, I quickly shut the whole thing off. Oh, and the recorded footage of soldiers praying in an abandoned house while Iraqi terrorists bomb the place is enough to make anyone protest the war. It was just fucking bad…

Scat and vomit porn? Doesn’t bother me. The Cup Chicks video turned out to be a fraud. Now, whenever I see a scat clip I watch it to see if its the real thing or just a cookie dough enema. Bodily fluids in general don’t really get to me… maybe it’s my past experience.

Fictitious gore in movies. Pfft. Nothing. After Cannibal Holocaust, I can pretty much stomach most gory films.

But, to stomach the brevity of real-life murder and heinous activity caught on camera is not only uncomfortable, it also reiterates our apparent mortality in the face of sheer evilness. I have yet to finish Snuff (And I don’t know if I can); but from what I’ve seen so far isn’t enough to convince me this a good documentary. In fact, Snuff is effective by unforgivingly showing different levels of mayhem and, thus, educating the viewer that such films do exist. Evil does exist in all of us.

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