My Super Secret New Year’s Resolution


mule

This is all detailed in my meticulous New Year’s resolution. Should anything happen to me, this highly confidential document is in a safety deposit box at the TD Bank in Portchester, NY. Code is 20003. Make sure to follow instructions carefully. Upon completion, you’ll receive a cell phone weeks later in the mail. Keep it. Ten seconds after activating the phone, you will receive a call from Senor Torres. Password is tuna. He will inform you on the next step of instructions you need to follow. If all goes well, then go to the Starbucks on 47th and 9th avenue. Ask for a barista named Jesus. He will ask for a password. Tell him tuna. He will then hand you an envelope along with a warm beverage of your choice. Leave that Starbucks. Get on the A train and head to the Starbucks on 6th avenue between 10th and 11th street. Ask to use the bathroom. They will ask you for a password. The password is tuner. Proceed into the bathroom. Open the envelope. In it is an one way ticket to the Cayman Islands. Go to the Caymen Islands. Look for a man named Pedro. He is often seen with a mule and has a large mole on his right cheek. He will ask you for a password. You will punch him in the face. Take the mule. Ride the mule to 10009 Buena Vista avenue. Wait outside the front gates. A local bus will arrive fifteen minutes later. Shoot the mule. Get on the bus. Get off at the fourth stop. You will see a house. Knock on the front door. A guard will ask you for a password. Tell him you ran out of passwords. He will open the door. He will follow you to the parlor room. You will see a spittoon to the left of the fireplace. Turn it over. You will see a green button. Press it. A door will open in front of you. Go down the stairs. There I will be waiting… with a fifty dollar gift card from Starbucks. You will take it. You will leave and get on the bus. Get off at the fifteenth stop. Walk three blocks down the road. Turn left. Make another left. Make a right. Two paces ahead of you is… yes, a Starbucks. Go inside. Get me a tall mochachino with extra foam and cinnamon sprinkled on top. Return to your former destination. Get back on the bus and head back to the fifteenth stop. Repeat prior steps. Once you hand me the mochachino I will drink it. That’s right – if all goes well you would have made me the richest drug cartel on the entire island.

And you’ll receive a gift card for $40-something bucks worth of Starbucks coffee.

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