Jack is Back… And I Don’t Mean the Designer!


You don’t mess with the Bauer!

I was going to write another sex piece but when I saw the footage of Bauer.. oh.. I mean Sutherland (First name Kiefer) turning himself over to the cops, I had to investigate! Then, over the water cooler, I heard all about Kiefer’s one man Battle Royale on Monday night.

And I creamed myself.

How excited was I to hear that Kiefer Sutherland defended Brooke Shields’s honor at an event by delivering a swift, badass headbutt to designer Jack McCollough’s pretty little schnozz. This deadly encounter all took place on Monday night when McCollough allegedly pushed Shields at an event. When Sutherland demanded that the designer apologize, McCollough refused… 

…Obviously he has not seen 24..

Before you know it, Kiefer gives McCollough a Swedish Kiss that is not too hard to miss days later.

 

Jack McCullough

On another note, why don’t men fight anymore? Nowadays, someone scratches your precious little skin, next thing you know the cops are coming after you. C’mon, McCollough, you couldn’t throw a bitchslap?

Now, if this was the type of behavior I’d see in, say, an insurance broker on our first date, then I wouldn’t be too impressed. But, this is Kiefer Sutherland. Kiefer Motherfuckin’ Sutherland. He’s completely badass in almost every single way… 

…and that is why I will probably masturbate to this later… wishing I was Brooke Shields… hm… 

*Sigh* I did daydream about Kiefer and me while at work today. Hmm, maybe I serve him his favorite drink. He says something witty… maybe compliments the girth of my cleavage… I laugh and tell him he reminds me of my father… We take tequila shots, sing punk and metal songs at Karaoke bars, get into fisticuffs with sloppy-looking frat boys, steal a purse from an old woman, and do donut holes in the driveway of the Kmart in Red Hook… And to end the night, he holds my hair while I puke on the A Train. 

Romance.. I miss it.

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