Awkward Sex with Christian Bale

Dear Christian Bale, 

I just want to apologize for any weirdness that occurred between you and I last night. I didn’t expect Carlos to come waltzing in and, even though he seemed okay with us getting it on, I just felt weird… especially since I was giving you a hummer in my grandmother’s bedroom.

Why did I feel weird? Have no idea. Maybe because I didn’t realize it was a dream until (for revenge’s sake), Carlos got a blow job from a hooker at a Denny’s Restaurant. And, upon hearing this, I blabbed about it to all of the stockholders in my very important stockholders meeting. Or were they bankers? No, I remember. It was those old guys from the Wamu commercial… and those two old guys from the Muppet Show. So, yeah, it had to be a bankers meeting. And it had to have been a dream. Goddammit. 


If I knew it was a dream, then I wouldn’t have told you to put your pants back on. And I wouldn’t have stumbled around the room like a two-timing idiot as I tried buttoning up my jeans. If I knew then what I knew now, we would have been doing it. Hardcore. In outer space… or underwater… or in a Lamborghini… OR there would be two of you, one of me, and a large bathtub of honey… and maybe you can make out with yourself while I watch and – whatever, you get what I mean. 

By the way, has anyone told you that you have a horse penis? You totally do… Not that I know what a horse penis looks like… just saying. 

christian bale


Christian Bale. Please, please, please come fondle me while I sleep. You’re my dirty little secret, my angry little European who shouts at cameramen when they can’t do their fucking job! Sure, I’ve said some not-so-great things about you… like, what’s with the mumbling in Batman? Did you literally have to mumble your way through the film? C’mon. Um, but that’s not why I need you. I lust after you because… well, you look really, really good. And you’re hung like a… well, you know. 

I haven’t had good dream sex in forever. So, come on back to me, Christian Bale. Until then, I’ll see you in Terminator: Salvation.

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