Attention Conservative Women: No One Wants to Rape You


This week, Playboy is in hot water for posting the “engaging” political piece So Right, It’s Wrong, in which writer Guy Cimbalo lampoons some of the most well-known and conservative female figures in the news and media today. Feminists who love to fish for sexist bullshit definitely discovered the catch of the day with this blatantly misogynist list. Although reasons are not particularly clear as to why Playboy pulled the article from the website, one can safely assume that enough folks on the internets were extremely pissed off.

However, I would like to thank Guy Cimbalo for adding a new word to my vocabulary: Hatef^ck.

So what, oh what, does hatef*ck even mean? According to N.O.W (No longer N.O.L.W, as Elizabeth Hasselbeck exclaimed), hatefuck = rape. Since Playboy has taken down the article, I have yet to see how Cimbalo uses it in his article. But, he does display a type of hatefuck rating, comparing many of these ladies to bonking, hm, Eva Braun or an old grandmother.

Let’s refer to the good ol’ Urban Dictionary for the definition:

“To have sex, especially in a rough manner, with someone who one finds physically attractive but personally loathsome. Sometimes abbreviated HF in polite company.”

So hatefuck is to have rough sex with, say, that irresistable, yet, pretentious asshole from that hipster party. Or even your undeniably hot-ass ex who still has your balls in an iron fist. If you haven’t had a HF yet, you will sooner or later. We all do.

panic

Ex. You are gonna fuck this hipster and regret it in the morning.

I know I’m a feminist, and I do have my hard-as-nails feminist perspectives… but, this is one of those fights that just doesn’t make sense to me….

From a literary angle… it’s Playboy, not the flippin’ NY Times. It’s a porno mag… has been and always will be. And, if there’s one thing I know about this business, it’s that it’ll never stop selling cheap, lowbrow, uninihibited entertainment to the masses who are dumb enough to digest it. Granted, Playboy was considered one of the more refined magazines for adult entertainment. But, regardless, it had its own history of misogyny. Hugh’s spending his final days awash a sea of blondes with huge tatas… so that sophistication that he bestowed upon his publication is gone. And not even his daughter, Christine, can get it back. Dead in the water. Don’t expect anything more.

Donkeys..? Elephants? What about bunnies...?!?!?!

Donkeys..? Elephants? What about bunnies...?!?!?!

Just because Playboy pulled Cimbalo’s article doesn’t mean a victory has been won either. It’s not like this particular piece was valuable to begin with. So, why not just take it down? On the other hand, I didn’t get a chance to be offended… and I wanted so desperately to be offended. At least I would know what I’m responding to in my blog. In retrospect, Playboy should have kept the article and start a discussion on the piece. For instance, they should have explained why they thought it was a good idea to run the article in the first place.

Well, duh! Their audience is meant for liberal men with a running demographic of age 18 to over 60 (ballpark guess). No man would find Cimbalo’s article offensive. Sure, it was written in poor taste. But, I am going out on limb to mention one positive outcome of So Right, It’s Wrong…

1) I was never interested in the women Cimbalo mentioned, let alone knew many of them until I caught word about this Playboy article. Seriously. That’s the paradoxical message that So Right It’s Wrong executes successfully. Cimbalo hates these women for their political views but finds them so damn sexy that he wants to hatefuck the shit out of them. Of course, the prettiness factor is apparent, but why the hatred? On some level, Cimbalo bestows a spotlight on conservative female commentators… but, of course, it’s not the most agreeable spotlight.

From a feminist perspective, we need to stop associating hatefuck with rape. Yes, it’s true, we do live in a rape culture. But, writers like Cimbalo aren’t the only ones who perpetuate this notion. Feminists, too, have an obsessive habit of throwing around the word, which further perpetuates the sexual boundaries that both men and women construct on a daily basis. I’m not threatened by Cimbalo’s words, why should you be? In fact, why should you care? When ‘rape’ replaces any type of rough sex (even in this case) then it becomes an one-sided argument in which no one will ever succeed in.

From a political angle, I don’t want to touch this argument with a 10ft schlong (I had to make a crude joke somewhere). When I perused some of the conservative blogs still seeing red from this whole debacle, I noticed that it became less about how the integrity of these women were obliterated and more about why conservatives are far more decent, upstanding citizens than liberals. This whole incident also revealed that many conservatives are very prude, to which I say, calm the fuck down. Just because Cimbalo said he’d rather fuck Eva Braun’s body instead of Michelle Malkin doesn’t mean he wants to rape her. It just means he’s a prick that no one should take seriously. And the fact that we do worries me.

Michelle Malkin... or Eva Braun's ashes? Malkin? Ashes?

Michelle Malkin... or Eva Braun's ashes? Malkin? Ashes?

Note to writers out there: Never mix politics with sex. You know how that goes.

I personally respect conservative women because they are so outspoken about their opinions. It’s also the same reason why I don’t respect them either. Therein lies my own hatefuck conundrum: Women like Michelle Malkin and Elizabeth Hasselbeck (sort of) symbolize what a woman should sound like, but I hate almost everything they have to say. Their dominance, good looks, etc. are all attractive features… but, to me, they have very bull-headed views about how the world is run that leave little room for compromise or compassion.

So, yeah, I’d probably hatefuck ’em.
And maybe, just maybe, they’d want to hatefuck me too.

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  1. .
    Neo-Liberalism is a mental disease. Conservative women are HOTter! But it’s not hard to imagine the justified ‘Liberal’ outrage if say, Hustler Magazine ran a disgusting parody where Rush, Hannity, Beck, Savage and Ann Coulter gang-rape and tickle-torture Katie Couric, the PIAPS, and then Nancy Pelosi.

    Imagine. The outrage would last for months in the MSM. There would be calls for firings and boycotts. NOW would be apoplectic. Poor little outraged, hypocritical Libs.

    :)

    absurd thought –
    God of the Universe says
    joke about raping women

    if they are conservative
    EVIL freedom lovers…

    .
    absurd thought –
    God of the Universe says
    sex is the height of evil

    so is photography
    but not pornography

    .
    absurd thought –
    God of the Universe says
    always rape women…

    who are conservative
    they’re just gender traitors
    .

      • chriscicchelli
      • June 7th, 2009

      May I…?

      *cough*

      A Fantastic Idea –
      Goddess of the universe says
      Politics doesn’t define sexiness

      Attitude
      Power
      Dominance
      Sense of humor…
      All terribly hot

      A Fantastic Idea –
      Goddess of the universe says
      Sex is the height of enlightenment

      Spread your legs
      You might learn a thing or two

      A Fantastic Idea –
      Goddess of the universe… farts through her vagina.

      And, thus, it is funny.

  2. Guess what? Fiscal liberalism is wrecking this country.
    China just questioned Obama on how we are financing the healthcare bill.
    China wants to remove the dollar as the currency of choice globally.
    We are now monetizing our debt. (Sorry for the large word douchbag. That means printing our money to pay bills. That drives the value of the dollar down which means inflation and high interest rates. Remember the Carter admin)
    The recession has just begun. Instead of reading DailyKuntz, MediaMattersNot, or MSNBS, try reading Bloomburg, WSJ, or believe it or not CNNBC.

    Liberals are just children who have not grown up yet. But you will when you can’t afford to play your Xbox 360. Now stop drooling and get on your shortbus.

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