The Top 5 Greatest Trips of All Time

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Just this past week I found myself in a nostalgic mode – so much so, in fact, that I regaled my friends and close relatives with tales of drug-induced adventures. Finally, my weekend boss, Amanda, suggested that I blog about it and share it with you. And I thought that was a dandy idea. From DXM to shrooms, I’ve experienced trips both bad and good… but, these are truly enlightening adventures into the land of my subconscious.

So, without further ado, let me present a list of the best trips I’ve experienced in my semi-young life.

#5: Bad Acid and Old Wine

– If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
Steven Wright

To this day, I still don’t know if I truly tripped or if it was a combination of expired alcohol, lack of food, plenty of exhaustion, and excellent mood lighting that really took its toll. Before that night, I had never done acid before, and wasn’t planning on it. Shrooms took me as close to the edge as I wanted to go; would acid kick me off screaming into the subconscious abyss? No, not this time. Instead, it made me excited and hungry. My friend, O, and I took long strolls through Astoria and talked incessantly about this or that. Then, next thing you know, it’s sunrise and I’m lying on the near-crowded sidewalk… dead. Or, at least I thought I was dead. And so did she. She even gathered fake flowers from a nearby trash can around my grave and sang a prayer or two. Probably the best funeral that I’ll ever have. But, we’ll see. 

#4 – Strobe lighting + Shrooms + 1/2 tab of ecstasy = WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs. 

~Lily Tomlin

Yep, it was one of those trips where words melted in the air and mobility is a low priority. Too bad I was in the middle of a crowded night club past the twilight era. Of course, it’s my own damn fault. For some reason, I thought that by combining a couple of mushrooms with just a 1/2 of E that I might have a little girly buzz… at least enough to stop me from drinking myself drunk for laughs. But, when someone tells you, “Oh, these pills aren’t that strong”, you shouldn’t take their word for it. And you shouldn’t consider taking other drugs to compensate for the supposed impotency of that pill. Amidst the pink and purple strobe lights, I crawled like a lizard to a nearby sofa, its paisley designs swimming in what looked like milk. Or possibly just water? No, milk. It was definitely milk. And I was definitely trying to drink it. And they (my friends, I think) were definitely trying to restrain me. Take it from me: It isn’t an intense trip unless someone is trying to strap you down to something. 

#3 – DXM: The ‘D’ is for ‘Dendrophiliac’ 

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route. 

~Author Unknown

I had sex with trees. Or at least I wanted to, after consuming 12 DXM pills. This main ingredient in Robotussin is initially meant to suppress coughs… in small doses, anyway. In larger doses, it can make you believe that you can attach yourself to cigarette smoke and fly around the world. It can also make you believe that the earth is a clitoral organism that is in need of my touch. It also led me to believe that the tree outside of our dormitory had a vagina. And I stroked that vagina. I stroked it good. I also licked the dirt because, duh, the earth was a clitoris. I also went to Japan and smelled exotic fried foods. Later, I was ripped out of my roommate’s womb via cesarean. Then, I slept in a room full of white and orange exploding stars.


#2 – Unexpected Ecstasy Trip

The Caterpillar cannot understand the butterfly
-Timothy Leary

I’ve heard all sorts of stories about people rolling on good ol’ Tina. Some claim that it is just a bodily high, the same with cocaine or alcohol, and less of a hallucinogenic. However, others remember deliciously vivid visual effects, your typical bright lights and dancing designs sort of roll. Personally, when I’ve taken E, it was a marriage of extreme physical pleasure and uncontrollable hallucinations. Such was the case when I rolled with my friend on her birthday. We had planned for this occasion the entire day and followed three simple rules: No drugs, No booze, Only drink orange juice. That’s it. I took 1 pill. And, minutes later, I’m talking with a friend, normal as always, although I can’t stop staring at my hand, which had expanded to a giant size. And she couldn’t light her cigarette, since the flame was too intense and far too close to her face… I thought she might have burned her nose off. Sure, there was the normal side effects; but, (to sound like a hippie) my body and soul seemed connected, attached. Subconscious sensations (the freedom of flight, the feeling of enlightenment – all of those impossible feelings) and bodily pleasure (Sex, winning a prize, etc) were tied together tightly in knots. I listened to Muse and howled, hissed, moaned. It was pretty much the. Best. Feeling. In. The. Fucking. World. 

#1 – Shroomin’ in LA

I don’t do drugs.  I am drugs. 

~Salvador Dali

This was a trip from start to finish, one that came full circle. It started, actually, the night before the actual trip, when we (me and O) bought the shrooms from infamous pornographer, Eon McKai. We had convinced our driver, a conscientious porn actor, that we were picking up a bongo for a later scene (If he knew we were scoring drugs, he would have flipped a parental shit on us). Because of the circumstances, we felt a little more creepier and, thus, it was made so much more exciting. We were sharing sushi with McKai a few hours before when he dropped the S-word on us. Since we had went an entire week without drugs, we couldn’t resist. He invited us into his apartment where both his girlfriend and fat orange-colored cat were friendly. Then, he gave us a bag of some modest stems and told us that they might be a little weak (Remember what I said before!). We were a little disappointed but happy, nonetheless. The next day we prepared ourselves for the adventure, which was two-fold: Our entourage was shooting a porn scene out in the Mojave desert and we were going to have a modest flip-out on a bag of shrooms. Win-win. Driving in the car with us were performers Brian and Veronica Jett, who was such a sweetheart for letting us share a bowl of weed with her. Man, that Californian grass was so delicious. I was almost hesitant to even eat some of the mushrooms because I was so stoned. But, I didn’t want to seem like chicken-shit. We finally stopped in the middle of nowhere, miles from the nearest sign of civilization, and nibbled at a few of healthier shrooms in the bag. Moments later, as they began to shoot the scene, I collapsed in a lawn chair, awestruck. The clouds were literally falling from the sky. As they slowly descended toward me, O had lost all ability to speak and surrendered to primitive means of communication (Grunting and such). We gradually transformed into animals: she a graceful and agile antelope, and I a slithering, cactus-eating lizard. We crawled over to our bag of drugs and finished off the stems (I recall that we actually licked the insides of the bag until there was nothing left). Then, we ran, howling, into the desert, until our crew was just a tiny speck in the distance. By then I was pregnant, you see, with the anti-christ and I needed to find a home for it. We looked at some viable real estate, a few trees and some boulders,until finally we heard some people calling for us. We managed to find our way back to the camp, but we were no less sober than when we had first set foot on that dusty ground. They shoved us into the van and we headed back to our motel in Studio City. I was talking to the Beatles, who were singing on the radio. The rest I don’t remember… except later on in the evening when I found myself naked in a bathtub with O and her other boyfriend. As David Byrne asked so long ago… “Well… how did I get here…?”

Really, the meaning of any trip is to ask that question once you’re done with it. Or else it wouldn’t be a trip, now would it? Of course, one can’t plan for such psychedelic journeys. They merely happen. So, I bid you safe passage from this world to the next. Don’t puke on anyone. Don’t get arrested. And don’t die… don’t literally die.

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