I Seduced Myself


This was originally posted at my old website. You can take a look at here. No changes were made to the essay.

As a lover of Greek mythology, I coveted a beautifully illustrated book in the children’s library. I can’t find the title or author of the book in question, nor is the name of the illustrator is familiar to me. Must find it! And when I do, I will tell you. But, let me go on to talk about one story in particular, one that haunted me almost as much as Orpheus’s journey to the Underworld, or the abduction of Persephone in the garden. This story is the tale of Narcissus and his reflection.

There are several versions of this story. The Hellenic version is one of obsession, betrayal, and revenge. The aged Ameinias was, like so many, infatuated by the gorgeous hero. And, like many, he was thoroughly dissed at every turn. In a backhanded motion, Narcissus gives Ameinias a parting gift: His sword. And, of course, Ameinias uses this sword to kill himself on his complacent lover’s doorstep. But not without uttering a prayer to Nemesis that Narcissus should one day feel the same pain and heartache as Ameinias has. Well, unfortunately for Narcissus, his dead lover’s wishes are fulfilled. Upon seeing his reflection in a pool, Narcissus falls in love… with himself. But, of course, as Narcissus may know well, his lover is distant (well, technically not an actual human being either). Despair rolls over Narcissus and he offs himself with his sword, thus sealing the circle of morbid fate.

There are other interesting versions, but if I spoke about those, then I would completely stray off the given path of this story. Please allow me to get back on the road.

On Wednesdays, I shoot my weekly podcast Date With a Fetish Coach. It’s a very low (actually, no) budget production that takes about an hour or two to film. Then, on Wednesday evenings and Thursday mornings, I edit all of my footage. For two days (or more, including promotion), I have to stare at myself talking about fetishes and sexual fantasies. Does it bother me? Not so much. When I edit any type of footage, I’m more concerned with what the clip should look like versus what I’m seeing right now in front of me. So, when I look over an hour’s worth of footage, it’s just pictures on an digital ribbon. Until I’m finished and the final show is rendered, it isn’t a show yet.

Tonight, I watched one of the older episodes. It was all about learning how to talk to your partner about your fantasies. In the video, I compared both the negative and positive approaches to speaking with your lover. I did the whole Dora Downer bit. Then, I performed a sensual piece in which I was flirting with the camera. But, it suddenly occurred to me that “I” (the person on the computer screen) was trying to seduce “me” (the person watching what’s on the computer screen). I thought it was very strange. I also felt very out of my mind; it was as if I was a stranger looking at another person. But, I was very much afraid to pass judgment. I just wonder what it’s like to be another person staring at my own reflection. Or maybe I secretly desire to escape my reflection, as if its about to judge me too.

Here’s an odd thing to admit: I want to be in love with myself. And, I find all of those beautiful elements that make me feel attracted to my image on my video show. Or anywhere else, in particular. But, I’m afraid to say that out loud because it sounds very vein. But, is it really? We’re always looking for other materials and valueless possessions to make us feel better about ourselves, or make us feel more feminine. Less weight. More bling! All that jazz. But, to see just my talking head trying to be somewhat of a goof and even a little relatable to my subscribers and others viewers is somewhat unsettling… and sexy.

Mind you, I’ve watched my movies probably once or twice, But I vaguely remember the sex scenes. I just seem to be “out of my mind” as I stated before. I never performed in movies so I could watch them later. I don’t think I’ve ever masturbated to my scenes. Although, I don’t watch too much porn. I prefer cartoon porn.

But, maybe it’s very healing to watch my image and genuinely enjoy the parts of me that I like. And, hopefully you like them too.

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