Dear Cosmo, Don’t Tell Me How to Fuck


Okay, okay. We all know by now that Cosmo Magazine is essentially verbal crack filled with advertisements for expensive shit I don’t need and advice that seems savvy, but really just brainwashes me into believing that the sex I have is not good enough for “my man”. And, as of yet, most sex-friendly sites have completely avoided Cosmo’s ridiculous nonsense until this stupid poster hit the presses.

If this isn’t the biggest bunch of fear-peddling, propaganda bullshit I’d ever seen, then I don’t know what. Let’s just go through this high-school chart and take a whiff of its sweet stench:

1. Reverse Cowgirl is the most boring position EVER. Hmmmm… let me stroke your hairy legs while I do double squats on your cock. This is supposed to help stop the spread of swine flu? This? Why not doggie style? Or why not Cowgirl style facing your lover? He can watch you play with your tits and you can give him a good slap and call him daddy as you grip his shoulders and booty-slam his cock!

2. Blowing a kiss… you know who blows kisses? Slutty girls in facebook profile photos and crossdressers in movies. Real people don’t blow kisses at each other. Hell… children don’t even blow kisses at each other! When was the last time you saw someone genuinely blow a kiss at their lover? … Exactly!

Besides, isn’t this a counterproductive measure? If one blows a batch of bacteria-laden breath in her or his lover’s direction, then isn’t s/he really causing the problem instead preventing it?

There are plenty of psuedo-kissing strategies that are far more seductive and intimate that you spitting dry air in your lover’s direction.

For example:

The Eskimo kiss…

Heavy Necking..

Or the Gomez Adams…

3. The Upper-Arm Squeeze, usually reserved for break-ups and rejecting creepy new friends, is now encouraged as an alternative to the aggressive looking bear hug as shown above. Cosmo tells us that by increasing the amount of distance we share with one’s airspace, we greatly reduce our risk of infection. So, hold the phone. How much of a radius does the person’s infected airspace take up? Should I stand 1 foot away or 3 feet? And, if I’m already touching the… ugh… contaminated person’s arm, then aren’t I already running the risk of infection? Besides, how much sicker can one get if the almighty bear hug has been unleashed? C’mon people, even Mother Theresa hugged the sick… and not just because she was pious. It’s also because she didn’t let fear stop her from fulfilling her purpose. So, why should we?

4. The major offender out of all the soul-swallowing… er… I mean life-saving techniques is the fist bump… the motherfucking fist bump, the universal punchline to jokes everywhere. In fact, it’s pretty much similar to pulling one’s finger which, according to Cosmo, has become just as high-risk as giving someone a hug. What fucked up world did I wake up to this morning?

My point is that this advertisement is misleading to the public. Cosmo Magazine hand-picked a popular epidemic that causes fear and worry to promote conservative actions amongst hetero partners. This ad is in no way sensible and shouldn’t be taken seriously, as with most of the content in said publication.

Also, despite what the Cosmo ad suggests, as of last week, the actual cases of Swine Flu are beginning to decline, with mortality rates still higher (than normal… not at all) among children.

Maybe I’m asking for a death wish by pissing all over Cosmo’s “scientific” tips, but I’d rather die than live in a world where bump fists and blowing kisses are acceptable forms of affection.

You hear me… I’d rather die!

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