Why Pee Wee Herman Influenced Me to Masturbate

When I heard that Paul Reubens was returning to the stage as his legendary alter-ego, I got excited. No… I got very excited. You know… down there. This Pavlovian response has followed me throughout Reubens’s career. From Buffy The Vampire Slayer to Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams to Blow… even in Reno 911: Miami, when I saw his eccentric character departing from an airplane, I couldn’t help but gather up my blanket underneath my curiously throbbing vagina and rubbed against it quite vigorously.

Strange as it may seem, this response is not surprising at all, for Pee Wee was the first to ever introduce me to the guilt-ridden joy of masturbation.

Despite the piddly 15 dollar payment, my mom told me that the Pee-Wee Play House Action Set was too expensive. It was a replica of the Play House itself – complete with Chairry, Jambi, and my beloved Pee Wee. Each day, I moved it closer and closer to the door of the thrift shop, until one day I finally had the balls to steal it while the shopkeeper had his back turned.

Pee Wee Herman was unlike anyone I had ever seen. He was spastic, excitable, and absolutely loved the word of the day. He seemed so childlike and easy to get along with. And who wouldn’t want to spend a day with Pee Wee? You get to hang out with cowboys, ride a bike that flies through the air (up yours E.T.), and read letters from pen pals across the world. Yes, life was simple with Pee Wee. He made childhood last an eternity. Even if we grow up and old, our adolescence never really leaves us.

Then, my world changed forever.. with this picture.

In 1991, Paul Reubens was discovered in an adult theater having a wank to Catalina Five-O, Nurse Nancy, and Turn up the Heat. I was 6 years old at the time and they were still showing reruns on CBS, so I, along with other viewers, couldn’t believe that the scruffy gentleman in the picture above was the same clean cut, cartoonish character that I came to know and love.

You would think I wouldn’t know a thing about sex at that age. But, on the contrary, I had made epic discoveries – one being an old tattered medical book that depicted couples in various sexual positions and a VHS tape entitled Brown Honey, a 70s shag flick that showcased scene after scene of frothy pubic hair and slicked bodies entangled in the throes of multiple orgies. I suppose in my own mind, I was mature enough to understand what Pee Wee was doing to his wee-wee in the theater (I don’t blame him… if those movies were anything like Brown Honey, I wouldn’t resist either).

My findings certainly had me asking questions; but Pee-Wee’s arrest was what I would consider the catalyst for my sexual curiosity. So I did my research. I made room for experimentation. There was no “orgasm” in my youthful days – it was all about the touch and the underlying naughtiness of it all. When I visited my grandmother’s house, I mounted the arms of her rocking chair. I straddled my mother’s pillows and rubbed against them furiously. It was all a great gas, to say the least.

What attracted me to masturbation wasn’t all about the activity itself, but its negative connotations. It was around the same time I began to fear God because he was just so damn picky and, well, the church always depicted the Lord Christ like a horror film. It made Hell look like the Riviera. I knew stuff like masturbation and sex were wrong in God’s eye (I’m a kid, remember), but if Pee Wee was doing it, then I didn’t want to be right.

While I’m not attracted to Pee Wee Herman per se, I am attracted to high profile performers like him who are caught in such scandals. As a kid, I thought that if Pee Wee could do it, then why couldn’t I? So today I stand before you a proud pervert.. all thanks to a man-boy in a gray suit and red bow-tie.

But remember…

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